When I was home for Christmas a month ago, the Lord spoke to me in random, loud outbursts. One of the biggest outbursts with the most reverberation was at the Christmas Eve service at the church I grew up in, the Lord spoke:
“Ricci, what if you don’t get married. What if I want you to be single?”
I’m sorry, come again…
That was my outburst back. (Imagine the voice in your head yelling that back to God.)
Mind you I was getting super nostalgic as I was surrounded by people I grew up with who now are married and have children. I was also going through my room at home getting rid of or keeping boxes and boxes of things from my younger years. Y’all, I threw away my 2nd grade notebook. #gold
But to get back on topic, I didn’t even want to view not getting married as an option. As I thought about it, and as I’ve mentioned several times, I’m a 27 year old (a month away from turning 28) who has never been on a date, never been kissed, etc. and so on and so forth. This really could be my future. Maybe the Lord did make me to be single.
I really kind of hated the thought.
I’ve grown up dreaming, like most girls, of the day they would wear the white gown and become a wife. I’ve dreamed and, in very recent years, longed to be a mother. #indiaonmyworldraceruinedme (check out those stories here)
I took this as the Lord taking away my dreams. I wrestled with the God as I processed. Why would You give me a dream that would never come true? Why would You put that desire in my heart and then rip it away?
I was heart broken.
But then my response started to change.
Fine.
A few days later…
Ok.
More days later…
Sure.
Weeks later…
Yes.
Of course.
Now…
Let’s do this thing!
You see the Lord is shifting my perspective. He didn’t ask as a means to break me. (I mean that was probably part of it.) But, rather, God has been teaching me about perspective, surrender, trust, and true love. Full. Surrender. Even of the things you desire most in this earthly life. Even of things you have to grieve a loss of without even knowing what having it feels like.
I’m still on the edge. I still get emotional when I think of not having the family I’ve always dreamt of having. That’s not only the edge of grieving, but of growth. God is showing me how to be single and healthy. How to glorify Him and fully say “Yes” to everything. He is showing me how to love as He loves. He is showing me how to glorify Him because that’s what I was created to do. He is showing me fully surrendered trust. He is showing me that getting married isn’t the end-all be-all and I wouldn’t be wrong to not be married. He is showing me options.
So, will I be single the rest of my life?
Maybe. And that’s ok.
What would your reaction be if God asked you point-blank, “What if you don’t get married? What if I want you to be single?”
Would you be able to surrender? Would your life point to God and glorify Him?
